Dear Santa,
>
> How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves,
is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X - Box 360 with
Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come
Christmas Day.
>
> Merry Christmas,
>
> Timmy Jones
>
> * *
>
> Dear Timmy,
>
> Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and
thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend
playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to get fat. Since you
have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you something you can go outside
and play with.
>
> Merry Christmas,
>
> Santa Claus
>
> * *
>
> Mr. Claus,
>
> Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. Nice" contract, set by you I might
add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have
asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of
litigation.
>
> Also, don't you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man, who
goes out once a year, is a bit trite?
>
> Respectfully,
>
> Tim Jones
>
> * *
>
> Mr. Jones,
>
> While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I remind you that
your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services
provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right.
>
> Please know, however, that my attorney's have been on retainer ever since the
Burgermeister/Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in
open court.
>
> Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but
also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that
looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.
>
> Very Truly Yours,
>
> S Claus
>
> * *
>
> Now look here Fat Man,
>
> I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite
about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be
disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and we're gonna be waiting for your
fat ass and I'm taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I
want.
>
> WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!
>
> T - Bone
>
> * *
>
> Listen Pizza Face -- Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house
in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G - banger
wannabe? "He sees you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake".
>
> Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I
got your shit wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people
that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll all
over the carpet of your mom's basement.
>
> You're not getting what you asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to
stomp a mud hole in you're ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.
>
> S Clizzy
>
> * *
>
> Dear Santa,
>
> Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.
>
> Timmy
>
> * *
>
> Timmy,
>
> That's what I thought you little bastard.
>
> Santa
>
> How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves,
is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X - Box 360 with
Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come
Christmas Day.
>
> Merry Christmas,
>
> Timmy Jones
>
> * *
>
> Dear Timmy,
>
> Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and
thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend
playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to get fat. Since you
have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you something you can go outside
and play with.
>
> Merry Christmas,
>
> Santa Claus
>
> * *
>
> Mr. Claus,
>
> Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. Nice" contract, set by you I might
add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have
asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of
litigation.
>
> Also, don't you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man, who
goes out once a year, is a bit trite?
>
> Respectfully,
>
> Tim Jones
>
> * *
>
> Mr. Jones,
>
> While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I remind you that
your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services
provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right.
>
> Please know, however, that my attorney's have been on retainer ever since the
Burgermeister/Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in
open court.
>
> Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but
also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that
looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.
>
> Very Truly Yours,
>
> S Claus
>
> * *
>
> Now look here Fat Man,
>
> I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite
about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be
disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and we're gonna be waiting for your
fat ass and I'm taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I
want.
>
> WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!
>
> T - Bone
>
> * *
>
> Listen Pizza Face -- Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house
in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G - banger
wannabe? "He sees you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake".
>
> Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I
got your shit wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people
that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll all
over the carpet of your mom's basement.
>
> You're not getting what you asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to
stomp a mud hole in you're ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.
>
> S Clizzy
>
> * *
>
> Dear Santa,
>
> Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.
>
> Timmy
>
> * *
>
> Timmy,
>
> That's what I thought you little bastard.
>
> Santa
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